Motivation

Big news this week! I hit my goal weight of 190. Well, truth be told, I was 190.8 yesterday and today I'm back up to 191.2. BUT...I knew nothing would probably happen quickly with the reproductive assistance group, so I went ahead and notified them that I hit my goal weight, knowing I would have a few days to “cement” it. They confirmed that the next step is to get me matched with a family. I'm super excited about this, but also covering that whole process in prayer that I will get matched with the family God has already picked out for me to do this for.

Now that I've lost 35 lbs, my physical appearance is different; smaller. People notice and tell me how great I look, etc., blah, blah, blah. I try to be gracious and not roll my eyes, but knowing the whole purpose for this is to get pregnant, which will cause me to gain the weight back, does not make me super excited about the weight loss, other than for the fact that it allows me to move forward with being a carrier. Now that more and more people are finding out why I've lost the weight and why I've started running, I'm starting to get comments like, “I just wish I could find the motivation” or “I just need to get motivated to lose weight/start exercising/start running”, etc. God has taught me several things in this process/journey that have nothing to do with being a carrier. First of all, all the excuses I used to tell myself about why I couldn't lose weight are no longer valid. I can do it, and I now know what I have to do to do it. So once I am finished being a carrier, even though I will probably never be bound to a number on the scale, I have no excuses for not being healthier and there are some things I've learned along the way that can and should become a part of my lifestyle. Second, about the whole motivation thing...I've learned that I will never, naturally, on my own, just magically become motivated to lose weight, exercise, run, count calories, watch what I eat, etc. If I wait for the motivation to come, I will wait forever and never do it. It's a necessary evil, like unloading the dishwasher, putting away laundry, cleaning the house, or grocery shopping. I don't particularly enjoy doing any of those things, but I also don't like my kitchen sink full of dirty dishes, being unable to find clean clothes, living in a dirty house, or not having food in the house. Counting calories and exercising are necessary 'evils' that I must do in order to be healthy. Motivation to do it this time was forced upon me so I could accomplish the goal of being a gestational carrier. Once I'm done with that phase of life, I will have no more excuses.

193.2

Have you ever noticed those bumper stickers on the back of people's cars that say things like 3.1, 13.2 or 26.4?  For awhile I didn't know what those meant.  Now I'm aware that people who have those bumper stickers on their cars have run a 5K, half or full marathon, and those numbers represent how far they ran in miles.  This past week has been monumental in my weight loss journey.  It seemed like every day last week I either lost a significant amount or maintained my current weight.  The climax happened yesterday when I reached my goal of 193 lbs!  Well, 193.2 to be exact, but it's close enough for me and I'll take it (and run with it...literally).  I immediately thought of those running race bumper stickers and figured I needed one that said 193.2 to advertise my accomplishment.  Then I quickly came to the conclusion that while this is a huge accomplishment for me, it's probably not something I want to advertise on the back of my minivan.  In addition, I actually have to be down to 190, so I'm not done yet.  But the representative at the reproductive assistance company I'm going through to be a carrier told me that once I get 3 pounds away to let her know and we can continue the process.  So as soon as I weighed myself I emailed her to let her know.  Of course, she doesn't really work on the weekends, but she did respond to let me know she would contact me on Monday. 

Last night I attended a social get together for my adult Life Group through my church.  It was so fun and there was tons of delicious food.  To celebrate my weight loss victory, what did I do?  Eat, of course!  (It seemed rational at the time, but writing it down  makes it seem very wrong).  I didn't count a single calorie.  Even though I still have a few pounds to go, I rationalized that it's good to have a "cheat" day from time to time, but I fully realize it can only be an occasional thing and I must get right back on the proverbial weight loss wagon immediately.  Let me just state, for the record, that, although I did not specifically count every calorie I put in my mouth, I don't feel as though I went totally crazy.  For one thing, now that I am 30 lbs lighter, I honestly can't eat as much as I used to.  I know my stomach has shrunk some because it seems to take a lot less to make me feel full.  In addition, since I've been counting calories for the past 4 1/2 months, I pretty much know what a serving size and calorie count is of most any food.  I ate one plate of food, which was mostly made up of a very yummy salad, and I had a scoop of the most delicious banana pudding I've ever eaten.  This little jaunt down eat-whatever-you-like-lane resulted in a 2.6 lb weight GAIN when I woke up this morning.  WHAT?  The one pattern I have noticed about my body when it comes to weight loss is once I've achieved a certain weight, even if I have a set back it doesn't usually take long to get back to that if I keep doing what I know to do.  Here's hoping!       

In other news, I've reached new heights on the running front too.  On Friday, Paula and I ran at least a mile and a half...without stopping...and without dying.  Seriously?  A mile and a half?  Me?  If I wasn't there I wouldn't believe it either.  We usually run at this awesome local park called Voice Of America.  It's beautiful!  There's a really pretty lake (or maybe it's a pond -- I don't know) with a running/walking path around it.  There are ducks and trees.  The landscape is very ideal for running, but it all looks about the same the whole way around.  We know the running path around the lake is 1.4 miles.  We start our run with a 5 minute warm up walk.  Then when the app tells us to run, we run until it tells us to stop.  Because we just started running when we were told, we didn't pay super close attention to at what point on the path we actually started running.  We know about where we were and we're confident we ran all the way around once and went a little past where we started running. 

I am starting to get the feeling that runners are made, not born.  Although I still don't love it, in some strange way I do look forward to it.  And I am starting to feel that I might miss it if I stop, or at least wish I was still doing it if I didn't do it anymore.  Weird!

We'll see what this week brings... 

Is It Worth It?

So I'm still running.  Once again, no one is more shocked about this than me.  Tomorrow I will finish week 5 of the 9 week Couch To 5K.  I've faithfully (even on vacation) run 3 times a week for the past 5 weeks.  Yesterday the C25K app took us to a new level -- we ran 8 whole minutes...in a row...twice!  This doesn't sound like a lot, and to anyone who is a runner, it really isn't.  But to me I felt like I had given birth to a new child or completed some amazing super-human feat.  It wasn't even that bad.  I realized during my time spent running yesterday that I'm actually getting better.  I'm not as out of breath and it doesn't take me nearly as long to recover when I stop running as it used to.  However, my knees, ankles and feet hurt the whole time as I am running.  I finally broke down and bought some real running shoes today.  This was inevitable, and I've been warning Scott for weeks that it needed to happen.  I haven't bought new tennis shoes since before I birthed my 1st child (who is almost 6 1/2).  The shoes I've been running in are not only old, but they're the best Target had to offer when I bought them.  They've been great tennis shoes and, for the most part, are very comfortable, but not really meant to run in.  We'll see if new, proper shoes add any assistance to the cause.  Tomorrow we're supposed to run for 20 minutes...without stopping.  Seriously?  We'll see how it goes, but I'm kind of up for the challenge and anxious to see if I can do it.  On the C25K app, when you finish a run it asks you if you want to log in through Facebook and share the results of your run there.  I'm always so tempted to do this because I'm so stinkin' proud of myself, but I never do because I realize no one else probably cares that I ran 16 minutes yesterday. 

On another, related note, I'm still hanging tough at anywhere between 197-199 lbs.  I have seen 197 lbs twice, but it was fleeting.  It would be so easy to be discouraged.  I really thought when I started running and consistently exercising that these last few pounds would fly off me.  I feel like I'm doing everything right.  I count my calories every day, watch portion sizes, don't snack, try to make healthy choices, and I work out 7 days a week (if I don't run, I do the eliptical for 30 minutes).  Believe me, I have to work hard not to let myself become totally discouraged.  I'm sure if I was just doing this for myself, I would totally convince myself that just barely under 200 lbs is good enough and I can live with that.  In reality, that's exactly how I feel.  But I have a bigger goal to achieve.  On the days I've been 197 lbs I only have 4 pounds to go before I can continue to move forward with the process to becoming a gestational carrier.  I've come so far and the end is in sight!  That really isn't that much, but as most people find when trying to lose weight, the last little bit seems to be the hardest.  I have created this fantasy in my mind that the couple who God has chosen for me to carry for is not ready yet, or there is some hold up on their end.  That's why these last few pounds won't come off.  It's God's way of not allowing me to get linked up with the wrong people.  I pray for the couple I will carry for so often.  They are heavy on my heart.  I know God has placed this on my heart and has, and continues to, prepare me to do this.  I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.  When His timing is right, that 4 (or 6) lbs will melt off. 

Run, run, as fast as you can...

So on Monday I started running.  No one is more shocked about that as I am.  I've always said the only reason I will ever run is if someone is chasing me with the intention to harm me.  I hate running!  I have lots of friends who are runners -- 5K's, mini and whole marathons, triathalons.  I could never identify with them.  I've heard of a "runner's high" -- I can't EVEN imagine!  Nothing about it to me seems enjoyable.  I can't even believe it's come to this.  I just never thought of myself as a runner.  But the other day, my friend, Paula, came over to drop something off.  I invited her to come in.  She and I had gone walking together a few times, and it's so much easier to do any form of exercise when you have someone to do it with you, so I asked her if she was free to walk this week.  She explained that she was going to take up running again.  She had run a 5K a time or 2 before and felt like she wanted to do that again.  Paula's not a runner either.  She hates every second of it.  She says she doesn't become more energetic, but conversly feels completely zapped of energy when she runs.  But she wants to be healthy and lose weight, so she's going to try it again.  Paula is a little older than me.  Her kids are in college and high school.  She and I have similar body types and activity levels.  All my other friends who run are crazy, psycho runners who love it and are skinny and live for the next race, blah, blah, blah.  Paula was the first person I'd come across who actually made me feel like maybe I could do it.  And we could do it together.  She had run in the past but had stopped and it was going to be like starting all over for her, so I decided to go along for the ride...or run.

She uses a C25K app on her phone (which stands for couch to 5K).  It's a really cool app and totally free!  On day one, which for me was Monday, you start out doing a 5 minute walking warm up.  Then you alternate between running for 60 seconds and walking for 90 seconds for a total of 20 minutes.  Then you do a 5 minute walking cool down.  The app allows you to listen to music on your phone at the same time and will interupt your music to tell you when it's time to walk or run.  So...I did it and I survived.  It actually wasn't that bad.  There were a few times that I was surprised the 60 second run was over and I could have gone longer.  It's set up for you to work out 3 days a week, gradually progressing to more running each week, with the being able to run a 5K in 9 weeks.  I'm still not totally convinced, but we shall see.   

What now?

So once a person decides she wants to become a surrogate, how does she go about doing that?  As I've shared with people that I am pursuing becoming a gestational carrier, I get asked that question a lot.  I found a reproductive assistance company in Cincinnati that helps place surrogates and gestational carriers with families who are wanting that service.  Shortly after I delivered my third child, my desire to become a gestational carrier had not wained and I knew it was something I wanted to pursue.  Even though I wasn't ready to start the process yet, I filled out the 15 page carrier application and submitted it, just to see if they would even consider me.  If the door was going to be closed, I wanted to know so I could stop thinking about it.  Very shortly after submitting my application, I got a call and was told that I would be a great candidate.  Just to give a little insight, there are several factors that could have easily precluding me from being able or even wanting to do this.  First of all, they will only accept someone as a carrier who has only had 1 c-section.  I have very large babies...9 lbs 7 oz, 9 lbs 11 oz, and 8 lbs 15 oz.  Had they known my first was going to be that big, I probably would have been told I had to have a c-section, which would have set me up for that for the rest of my pregnancies.  I did have one c-section with my last, and ironically, my smallest (she was posterior, AKA sunny side up).  Scott and I always knew we wanted 3 kids.  We were going to stop after 3 regardless.  Even though 3 boys would have been fun and I would have gotten along just fine with that outcome, of course I did really long to have at least one of each gender.  After having 2 boys, I remember saying to Scott when I was pregnant with Sawyer, before we knew she was a girl, that if that baby was a boy I don't know if I could be a gestational carrier because if I carried a girl for someone else and didn't have one myself, that might be too hard.  So Sawyer being a girl (her name was going to be Sawyer even if she'd been a boy), confirmed that this was something I am supposed to do.

So I'd been accepted.  The next step was to have stopped breast-feeding for 2 months.  By the beginning of April of 2012, that goal had been accomplished.  I was ready to actually start the process.  There were OB/GYN records and a letter from my doctor (stating no known reason why I can't be a carrier) to be obtained and submitted, a home visit from the president of Reproductive Assistance Inc, and lengthy psychological evaluations and screenings for both Scott and me.  Check, check, check.  Everything has gone pretty smoothly and moving in the right direction.  The most difficult part of the whole process is losing weight.  I have to be down to 190 before I can be matched with a family and start on fertility drugs.  I started out at 225 and I've lost 25 lbs, so I'm doing really well (by the grace of God alone), but I still have 10 lbs to go.  I recently decided that I probably won't be able to lose much more just with diet alone.  I'll have to, dun, dun, dun...EXERCISE!  Say it isn't so! 

I've gone through phases in my life when I've exercised regularly.  I really don't mind it all that much, and feel good when I do it.  But as a mom with 3 small children, it's not a priority for me and hard to fit into my schedule.  I feel like I'm running after children all day -- isn't that exercise enough?  When I first started trying to lose weight to become a carrier, I started wearing a pedometer.  I decided if I didn't naturally throughout the course of the day walk 10,000 steps (5 miles), I would go for a walk in the evening.  I was not shocked to learn that most days I walk 10,000 steps without even trying.  This plan helped me get 25 lbs off, but I'm kind of stuck with 10 more lbs to go.  The problem with this plan is, when you naturally walk 10,000 steps a day by not even trying, that's not doing anything your body's not used to doing.  I wasn't any kind of skinny so 10,000 steps a day was no great accomplishment, and something my body was used to.

I don't think losing weight is easy for anyone.  But this is why it has been difficult for me.  I've never been very insecure about my weight or body (especially as an adult).  Although I want to be healthy and I feel better when I exercise, the goal for me has never been to be a certain weight on the scale or fit into a particular size of clothes.  Right or wrong, I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin.  I enjoy cooking and eating and don't want to be a glutton, but really enjoy food and don't associate a lot of guilt with eating what I want.  I am naturally active enough that, even though I am overweight, I don't think of myself as sloppy or lazy.  Because I've never really tried to lose weight before, I didn't know how hard it would be.  My husband had great success with counting calories with a free iPhone app.  So that was my first strategy.  That didn't turn out to be as easy for me as it was for him.  I have always been against diets.  I just know I can't make a diet that cuts out entire food groups or types of foods as a lifestyle, so I'd never dieted before.  I decided I would try a diet since this was for a specific purpose and not something I would plan to adhere to forever.  I did a low carb diet and had pretty good success with that.  It was almost like my body needed that to get a jump start and realize what I was trying to do.  I did that for as long as I could, and now I'm back to counting calories again, which I've had better success with this time.  As of this morning, I was 200 lbs exactly.  I have to be at 193 before I can "get the ball rolling" any further as a carrier.  Tomorrow I'll talk about my recent venture to help further that goal. 

The Call

There are really only 2 things I have ever aspired to be in life...a wife and a mother.  I went to school to be a teacher, and enjoyed that.  That experience has allowed me to do my current career of being a preschool director.  I'm grateful for the education, gifts and abilities God has allowed me to have.  But I've never been very career driven.  From the time I was a little girl, I remember wanting more than anything to be a mommy when I grew up.  As a Christian, I knew the only acceptable way to attain that goal was by being a wife first.  And I did want that too, but if I'm honest, I would say I probably wanted to be a mom even more.  This is kind of a dangerous mind set because it would be easy for someone who is so caught up in mothering to not nurture and work on her marriage.  Through a brief marriage and divorce that I went through in my early 20's, God taught me a lot about this.  When God brought Scott to me and I realized I was getting a second chance in the marriage arena, I took it very seriously and wanted to do it right.  Scott and I read tons of books about marriage and learned a lot about putting God first, each other second, and children third in marriage.  One thing that sticks out to me the most (I can't even tell you now where I read it), was the fact that this person you marry will be with you for 50 plus years (hopefully), but your kids will only be with you for 18 years.  That's not to say that as a parent we won't have influence over our children and relationships with them for all of our lives, but the idea is that you only live with them for 20 years or so.  That's not even half the time of how long a marriage should last.  That seems like common sense, but so many people get consumed by their children and all that is involved with rearing them (which can be overwhelming and exhausting), and leave their spouses in the dust.  I know so many people who divorced after their kids were grown because they hardly know each other after the kids were gone, and once that common goal of rearing them was over they felt they had nothing in common anymore.  How sad!  I don't think grown children take to their parents divorcing much better than young children do.  The consequences are just different.  I don't want that to happen to me or my kids, and I want my kids to live witnessing an example of a godly marriage (failing though as we often do). 

With that said, there still has been no greater joy in my life than being a mom.  Even though it is exhausting and overwhelming, it's a pleasure and an honor, and something I could not imagine not being able to experience.  For many, many years the idea of being a surrogate has swirled around in my head.  I always kind of thought that would be a neat thing to do for someone.  After the birth of my 2nd healthy baby, I really started to form ideas about becoming a surrogate.  I had had such great pregnancies, deliveries and healthy babies.  If Scott and I wanted to get pregnant, we pretty much thought about it and it happened.  From the time I got pregnant with Selleck (my first) to the time I got pregnant with Sawyer (my last), I'd been pregnant 4 times in 5 years -- there was 1 miscarriage in there.  All throughout that time I also seemed to be surrounded by close friends and family members who struggled with fertility.  I felt so fortunate and somewhat guilty at the same time.  I decided I would want someone to be a surrogate for me if having babies didn't come so easily for me.  I also thought it takes people like me, who get pregnant easily and have good pregnancies, to be surrogates.  I started researching surrogacy and reading articles written by people who had been surrogates.  I prayed a lot about it and decided it was something I wanted to pursue after my own family was complete and absolutely knew I could do. 

I feel God has called, equipped, and prepared me to be a surrogate.  Although, I should stop here and clarify.  The definition of a surrogate is someone who uses her own egg.  I will actually be a gestational carrier, carrying another couples' embryo which will not be mine biologically in any way.  I'll just be the incubator.  :)  I can't even really explain it, other than I feel it is something I have to do and I want to do.  You would know how much this doesn't make sense if you knew how much I dislike being pregnant.  Although, in some ways I think that also makes me the perfect candidate for surrogacy.  So  many people have said that they've always thought a person who does this must love being pregnant, and some probably do.  I, however, can't wait to get that thing out of me.  For me, it is a means to an end.  I bond with the baby during pregnancy more than I probably realize (this was made aware to me when I had my miscarriage), but overall the process of pregnancy for me is miserable and something I have to put up with to have a child.  I'm sure I can't possibly fully prepare myself for what it will be like to carry a baby and then give it to someone else.  But I do know that I have no desire to have another baby myself and from the moment I become a gestational carrier, the baby won't be mine.  The goal is not to add to my family, but to give an incredible gift to someone else.  Adoption is awesome and wonderful and I know many people who have done that.  I'm extremely supportive of adoption and think it's a wonderful way to create a family.  It's not uncommon for people to have a child through a surrogate and then go on to adopt as well.  I know there are some people who want the experience of having a biological child and I feel called to help someone achieve that.  I'll be sharing more about this in later posts and chronically my journey as a gestational carrier through blog as well.  

Inspiration

I love being inspired!  I enjoy the excitement of the prospect of a new way of thinking or doing things, or the reality check that I've needed that catapults me in the right direction.  I get inspired through books, people, blogs, Pinterest.  One of my BFF's, Laura, inspires me to be tidier, cleaner and more organized.  I still never measure up, but I get inspired every time I go to her house (which unfortunately, isn't that often, because she lives 10 hours away). 

One of my most recent inspirations has been through a blog I've started following.  I gave up on reading blogs a long time ago.  It seemed like there for awhile, everyone I knew had a blog.  I tried for a long time to read and keep up with all of my friends' and family members' blogs, but in addition to not having time to read all those blogs, I finally decided one day that if I'm close to someone I'll know everything they talk about in their blog through my relationship with them, so there's really no need to read their blogs anymore.  This was rather freeing for me, although I may have hurt some people's feelings along the way whose blogs I no longer follow.

I've recently broken my blog fast and made an exception.  A mom (her name is Jen) of one of the preschoolers who went to the preschool I work at last school year was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer several months ago.  I don't know this lady very well at all, but she's close to my age, has kids very close to the same age as mine, and more than anything, curiousity got the best of me.  I initially started reading her blog to figure out how the preschool could help and/or be a blessing to her & her family.  That mission was recently accomplished.  But her blog has become like a good book that you can't put down.  She doesn't blog every day, so I'll go a long time without checking to see if she's made a new entry, and then when I do check in, there are usually several entries to catch up on.  I literally can't stop reading it.  Not because her cancer journey is so fascinating or interesting, but because I feel encouraged and inspired by reading her words.  She has the most amazing attitude and totally makes having cancer not seem so scary.  She has not burried her head in the sand or raised the white flag in surrender.  She is still living life, and doing it really, really well.  She's an amazing wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and the list goes on.  I want to be more like her.  I actually wish we ran in more of the same circles so we could be friends and not just acquaintences.  I don't feel sorry for her or her family or her children like you would think one would when you hear of someone in that circumstance.  I do pray for her that she will have the best outcome possible and be able to live a long, long time to be there for her young family, but I don't pity her.  I've learned a lot from her, I'm glad I know her, and I'm thankful for her blog and her testimony. 

That's a huge reason why I started blogging again.  She totally inspired me in the best way possible!  Her blog was meant to be public...she's chronically her journey and it helps for friends and family to be able to read about it in one centralized place so she doesn't have to retell it all a thousand times.  My blog has a different purpose.  Although I hope, pray and desire to be a blessing and inspiration to others, that's not my purpose in blogging.  In reading Jen's blog, not only am I personally inspired by her, but it also dawned on me what a neat thing for her girls to be able to go back and read one day and be able to witness first-hand what kind of a mother and person she was through such a defining time in her life.  They are too little right now to fully understand (or understand at all) what she is going through.  Even though I don't have a life-threatening illness, I realize life can't be taken for granted.  It could be snuffed out at any moment -- none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.  Whether I die tomorrow or live to be 110, I'd like to give my kids the opportunity to see what kind of person I was when they were little.

I'm still not sure what this new blog will look like or be all about, but I do feel compelled to do it.     

Here we go...again

So, I have had a whim to start blogging again.  I really don't even necessarily want anyone else to read it.  I have been inspired by someone else's blog, and realize I have a lot to say.  If handwriting in a journal or diary were easier than an online blog, I would just do that.  But since it's not, here I am again. 

When I first started this blog, it was a "spoof" on the phenomenon of blogging that was uprising among my peers.  It seems like everyone was clamoring for their 15 minutes of fame through social mediums.  My blog started as something silly.  Then it morphed into a meal plan blog.  I actually love to meal plan and do it pretty well, and a few friends of mine suggested I post my meal plans for others to see so I could do the hard work of meal planning for them...since I was doing it anyway.  Then may of my friends who were following my meal plans obtained various dietary restrictions that I do not adhere to, so I didn't figure my meal plans were too applicable for them anymore.  So between that, and the usual business of life (including 2 pregnancy) to be expected of a young working mom, and my blog faded into oblivion, possibly never to be resurrected again.

Until now.  My life has changed somewhat since my last entry.  I'm now the mom of 3 kids...2 boys (6 & 4) and my precious baby girl, who will be 14 months old on Sunday.  I'm still a preschool director, I love to cook & sing, and my new obsession is Pinterest.  I'm not just a pinner.  I actually complete as many of the projects and recipes I have pinned as I possibly can.  Some I can't afford yet, but maybe some day.

I'm blessed beyone measure and incredibly grateful for this amazing life I have somehow stumbled into, despite myself and my constant failings.  It's only by the grace of God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ that I am who I am and have what I have.  To Him be all glory and honor forever and ever.  Amen!  Some interesting things are coming my way.  God has some cool things for me to do on the horizon and I can't wait to do them.  Being in His will is the best place and only place to be.  More to come...